MARINA OPPENHEIMER BOOKS AND BLOG

“Recent research and media reports indicate that parent–child estrangement is on the rise.” After daily reading numerous articles on the topic of children becoming estranged from their parents, I wondered what the real cause of this conflict between some parents and some children was. I found it hard to understand why certain children would decide to stop communicating with the two people who brought them into this world, gave them a home, and raised them. After all, I also have a son, and such a problem never arose between us; had something like that happened to me, I would have moved heaven and earth to solve it. One of the things that struck me most was that several of the articles on the topic were titled 'Letting Go of Our Children'; in other words, these essays seemed to accept the possibility that, with some children, there is no other option than to let them go. That was when I decided to try to understand the real cause of these sad separations. Finally, one of th...

One of the most common descriptions of old age is that it is a stage lived in unwanted loneliness and isolation. So much so that geriatric experts advise older adults not to shut themselves in their homes or stop connecting with people their own age. This is why, in activity centers for older adults, there are plenty of groups where a kind of daily recreation takes place. Not long ago, a psychologist invited me to join one of these groups that she runs once a week. What really amazed me was that the activities were far from therapeutic; they were more like guessing games designed to entertain the participants. I found it hard to understand what the purpose of that activity could be for adults whose lives had surely been normally active. Old age isn’t always synonymous of a lack of understanding; and those people who age with their minds intact should be trained to spend their final days in a more meaningful way. Such a training should be based on showing to them how, in their last year...

So again, what is loneliness? Loneliness is focusing on what is absent instead of what is present. What is present is what is really meant for us; that is why it has come our way. What is absent is gone, and is probably sharing its journey with another soul. But how do we start enjoying what is there if we are so used to being with somebody else? Our best ally is time. Every transition in life needs time to evolve because our brain needs to adapt to the new situation; and it will. Already back in 1890, in his book The Principles of Psychology, William James wrote: "Organic matter, especially nervous tissue, seems endowed with a very extraordinary degree of plasticity." Much later it was demonstrated that the brain does not stop changing in childhood, but it continues to create neural pathways in order to adapt to new experiences. Due to its high degree of plasticity, its structure changes throughout life. When we are going through the experience of loss, our reality ch...

Of all life stressors that we go through in life, loss is the most difficult one to overcome. The path towards the reorganization of our life after a significant loss is a long and difficult one. The more significant the loss, the longer and more difficult is the path towards having a normal life again. Our life is shattered, and we are pervaded by emptiness, sadness, apathy, loneliness and fear. Often the feeling of disorientation will lead us to a lack of meaning and confusion regarding our beliefs. Our life as we knew it suddenly evaporates and all we see are debris all around us like after a deadly storm.

Estando un día en un ómnibus que me llevaba desde Bariloche a Villa La Angostura, por un instante dejé de mirar la espléndida escena que nos rodeaba porque una anciana sentada a dos filas delante mío me llamó curiosamente la atención. La señora se hallaba sentada en la fila de asientos al lado mío, dos asientos más adelante. Tenía sobre sus rodillas una chalina de lana gris oscuro con flores rosadas que sostenía con las dos manos. Con extremo cuidado levantó el borde derecho para ir doblando la prenda lentamente hasta terminar formando un cuadrado pequeño. Al ella terminar su tarea no pude menos que preguntarme qué había sido lo que me había llamado tanto la atención; y mientras pensaba, se me hizo viva la imagen de la anciana en su casa ordenando sus querencias. “Esta es una señal” –me dije. Yo creo firmemente en las señales que nos llegan desde afuera para ayudarnos a desarrollar una vida ordenada y de profundo significado. Fueron pasando los años y hoy, cuando ya estoy en la tercera...

A medida que el tiempo transcurre es mayor el silencio del alma, van desapareciendo los recuerdos y van muriendo las esperanzas. Los rostros que durante años nos rodearon dejaron de ocupar nuestro espacio vacío, y a medida que el tiempo transcurre es menor el deseo de seguir recordando. Muchas menos son las sombras de la noche, y pocos son los deseos que un día tuvimos, pero lo que nos queda tiene color de oro y perfume de horas y flores desconocidas.

" Telepathy is considered a type of extrasensory perception (psi), … there is no conclusive evidence that telepathy occurs naturally without technological assistance. Research continues at the intersection of neuroscience, consciousness studies, and quantum physics, exploring whether subtle, non-physical connections between minds might exist (Amiettkumar, Science News Today.)” “Mi tío Vincenzo vivió con nosotros hasta que murió, a la edad de 56 años, de un ataque cardíaco en la provincia de Córdoba donde había ido a pasar unas vacaciones. En realidad, no era tío de mi hermano y mío, sino que era un tío de mi madre que había adquirido para ella la figura de padre. Esto había ocurrido cuando, de joven, mi madre se había enterado de que mi abuelo había hecho sufrir mucho a mi abuela con sus interminables aventuras amorosas, y entonces decidió reemplazarlo en sus afectos por su tío. Tío Vincenzo era un soltero empedernido que había tenido que irse de Italia porque, durante la época...

A few years ago, due to my divorce, I moved from Coral Gables to Miami Beach. While living right on the beach by the sea brings me a lot of serenity and joy for life, the fact that in Miami Beach it’s very hard to make new friends annoys me. It was then that a former work colleague suggested introducing me to one of her friends who, coincidentally, lives very near me and is also from Argentina. After my colleague gave me her name and phone number, I sent her a text message and we both decided to meet for dinner at a nearby restaurant. While at this stage of my life I prefer to have lunch rather than dinner, my colleague's friend replied that she was very busy with work during the day and that having lunch was not an option for her. So we agreed to have dinner instead. On the day we were supposed to meet, I arrived at the restaurant a little early and decided to wait for my future friend while enjoying a glass of chilled white wine. And so half an hour went by without her showing up...

Cuando la playa se encuentra solitaria y vacía, mis recuerdos se borran y se duermen mis penas. Cuando nadie pisa esa arena blanca y las aves se entregan a su silencioso vuelo, mi alma se adormece con el ruido del agua

I often wondered about the hidden meaning of that phrase. I had a marriage that, although it lasted thirty years, was the source of profound suffering for me. After the relationship ended in a quick divorce, my then-husband decided to remarry a younger woman who shared his religion. Meanwhile, I moved into an apartment in Miami Beach. In the years that followed, there were many nights when I pondered the truth behind Eckhart Tolle’s famous saying. From the outside, my ex-husband had created a new life for himself, while I was desperately trying to adjust to the solitude of my new home. Fortunately, my apartment offered a beautiful view of the ocean, which made my nights feel less lonely. One day, while walking along Miami Beach boardwalk, I ran into the man who had been my partner for so many years. At first I barely recognized him; his face had changed—he had aged. After a brief greeting and farewell, I headed home, my thoughts returning once again to Tolle’s famous proverb. Although ...

*************DEDICO ESTE LIBRO A MI AMADO NIETO, BEN MANUEL OPPENHEIMER **************** *********CUANDO ESCUCHO TU VOZ*********** Cuando en el silencio de mi casa solitaria escucho tu voz, amable y serena, torrentes de agua límpida se desmoronan de los techos de la ciudad dormida, y desaparecen las penas.

As per the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, depression is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. for ages 15 to 44.3. Major Depression disorder affects more than 16.1 million American adults, or about 6.7% of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year. Although the precise genetic make-up of depression is unknown, there are many theories that try to explain the role of the brain in the etiology of this disorder. Most probably however depression is a multifactorial syndrome where not only genetics but also environmental factors play a role. This is where neuroplasticity plays an important role in the treatment of depression. If we are able to transform our negative thoughts into thoughts that are more resourceful, we will be able to rewire our brain connections; in other words, by changing our thoughts we can feel and behave differently. Those thoughts that fuel our despondency by focusing on what we have lost can be replaced by thoughts that generate ou...

Ayer mientras me deleitaba con las fotos de Instagram, un video me llamó la atención de inmediato: la foto mostraba una bellísima águila al tope de un cerro empujando suavemente a su aguilucho para que empezara a volar. Y cuando así lo hizo, su madre se lanzó detrás de él para felicitarlo con sus alas abiertas. Como nunca había visto nada parecido, la ternura de la imagen me emocionó profundamente. Pero al terminar de ver el video no pude menos que preguntarme si mis lágrimas se debían a la belleza del momento, o más bien al recuerdo de esa etapa compleja de mi vida cuando mi hijo también abrió las alas de su nueva vida. Como para muchos otros, ese fue uno de mis momentos más penosos. Al tener un hijo único, mi relación con él se había convertido poco a poco en el significado de mi vida. Me acordé entonces de una frase del psiquiatra Americano M. Scott Peck cuando dice que si supiéramos lo que significa tener hijos nadie los tendría, y me dije que, en momentos como ése, era muy probabl...

When I woke up this morning, as usual I turned on the iPad and set out to check the bad news of the day. However, YouTube quickly moved away from politics and took me to the video of a French psychologist whose topic was the elderly. His theory about a happy old age was well-known: the importance of having friends with whom to share a drink and chat. The presenter argued that it can even be said that our need to have friends has a genetic component. If we analyze the life of human beings in general, nothing sounds truer: from a very young age, one of our most important concerns is to have as many friends as possible. So much so that those of us who did not have them felt different throughout their young lives. Yet, that is the story of our youth; when we reach old age things change. Although in our young years we were strong enough to tolerate those friendships that were not sincere, as soon as we set foot in our last life stage, we are only able to endure sharing our time with p...

This year, as on the last four years, I took a trip to the Argentine Patagonia, this time to the province of Chubut. I booked a hotel in the city of Esquel with the project of visiting National Park Los Alerces, which besides being of a magnificent beauty was designated a world’s heritage site in 2017 due to being home to 2000-year-old trees. Since I am divorced and I don’t know of anybody with whom I would like to share a three weeks trip, I always travel alone; perhaps because at this age I only go to places that invite meditation and reflection, I have never felt alone in any of my expeditions. On the contrary, when people seem surprised to see me flying alone to the end of the world, I say to myself that they have probably never felt the joy of looking at a majestic mountain from the shore of a crystal-clear lake… alone. The best description for this feeling of awe is just that: the awe of being at the end of the world looking at what is greater than ourselves. However, it is also...

The other day, I heard from Rafael Santandreu one of the wisest phrases I had ever heard: "Each one of us acts from an unresolved pain." This brings to mind the saying of Swiss psychologist Carl Jung when he states that the deep problems of our life do not have to be solved but overcome through our personal growth. By not overcoming them, these problems will continue controlling our lives. I tried to apply these ideas to my personal life, and I began to realize how much truth they hold. When I use my own life story as an example, one of the situations that disturbed me the most was when someone walked away from me for no reason. On those occasions when I lost a friendship without any possible explanation, I always convinced myself that it was surely my fault. However, I now understand how much more complicated the situation was. If that friend didn't feel comfortable with me because of something I had done, she would have told me openly. By not explaining to me the reason...

Nineteen years after my 30-year marriage broke down, I still wonder why I chose a spouse with whom I have very little in common. While the marriage lasted many years, our time together was not a time of love and companionship; on the contrary, ours were times of coldness and distance. If we lasted 30 years together it was because our common concern was that our only son could grow up with the both of us. One day I read in The Family Crucible a phrase I never forgot: "We do not marry the person we love but the person we need". If this is true, the question for me is then what did I need from the man I married that made me choose him? Since my love for my chosen one lasted very little, it is obvious that these words were telling me something important. If I analyze the personality of my ex-husband, he is a man focused on his work and who always dreamed of bigger horizons. He had a lot of plans, but I guess that the idea of going alone didn't convince him. As for me, when ...

El año en que mi hijo tenía que tomar el examen jurídico estatal, yo había invitado a una prima a ir de vacaciones a Hernando Beach, una playa al norte de la Florida. Como pensaba ir manejando, una semana antes me puse a mirar en el mapa para ver qué ruta tomar y fue allí que me di cuenta de que, para ir a Hernando Beach, tenía que pasar por Tampa, ciudad donde mi hijo daba el examen. Una vez más me regocijé de tener un inconsciente tan previsor y lo llamé para decirle que, en nuestro viaje hacia el norte, mi prima y yo pasaríamos con él la noche anterior al examen. De más está decir que se puso muy contento con la noticia ya que la prueba es tan difícil y las historias de horror tantas que estar solo durante las horas previas no es agradable. Llegamos a Tampa bajo una lluvia torrencial y después de habernos perdido ya que el parabrisas del coche estaba totalmente inutilizado por el agua. Para colmo de males, en la entrada de la ciudad estaban construyendo un puente y el agua que ...

Corría el año 2007 y yo recién me había mudado a un apartamento en Miami Beach. Era la primera vez que vivía sola en muchos años y la burocracia de la compra del departamento me había generado un gran nivel de ansiedad. Si bien no soy una persona que se ahoga en un vaso de agua, los muchos años de matrimonio habían disminuido notablemente mi eficacia para lidiar con la vida, ya que cuando se vive acompañado los obstáculos se reparten. Todo empezó con la venta de nuestra casa de Coral Gables, que pudo firmarse por casualidad porque la escritura decía María en vez de Marina. Pero ese mal momento no fue el único. Al cabo de un mes de haberme mudado, me llegó por correo el detalle de los impuestos a la propiedad del nuevo departamento. Cuando abrí el sobre y vi que era una cifra astronómica que correspondía al dos por ciento del precio de compra, decidí ir a la oficina de impuestos a pedir explicaciones. Al cabo de media hora de espera en una fila interminable, me atendió una desagradable...

Mis abuelos vivían a una media hora de mi casa y, cuando niña, solía ir a visitarlos los sábados. A mi abuelo le encantaba jugar a la canasta pero detestaba perder, así que, a pesar de mis pocos años, yo había aprendido a tolerar su frustración cada vez que le ganaba una mano. Ese sábado yo había llegado un poco más tarde que de costumbre y él me estaba esperando con la puerta abierta. En esa época no abundaban los atracos y la gente vivía mucho más confiada que hoy en día. El almuerzo ya estaba listo y mi abuela iba y venía de la cocina con los habituales spaghetti al pomodoro y el bol de queso rallado. Debo decir aquí que mi abuela odiaba la cocina pero, por suerte, mi abuelo no. Nunca en mis largos años de vida comí spaghetti como los de mi abuelo. A pesar de que, en esa época, yo no sabía mucho de cocina me sabía la receta de memoria: un huevo por persona, media taza de harina por persona, sal, y una cucharita de aceite de oliva. Hacer un círculo de harina para encajonar los huevos...