LONELINESS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH OTHERS; IT HAS TO DO WITH OURSELVES

 

Everywhere we read that our period in history is mainly characterized by loneliness, especially in old age. Loneliness is a destructive state of mind that takes away our desire to find a solution to everyday problems. Therefore, our life becomes a static and uninteresting journey. But what generates this feeling of fierce isolation? It is generated by our mind only because we lose all desire to look for new friends. In old age the problem is even more risky since it prevents us from understanding that not having friends is not necessary if we are satisfied with the life we have led. What is important is to create where we live a welcoming environment. In my youth I met a man of a certain age who was arrested in Switzerland for being an illegal immigrant. The first thing he did when he arrived at the  prison was to ask for a bucket  of white paint to paint the walls of his prison.  And with the passage of time he even placed a plant in the window.  Let me add that this was a deeply spiritual man for whom the solitude of prison was the opportunity for a welcome retreat. In the same way, our mature years can serve us to analyze our lives, thank the Universe for the good, and try to discover the causes for the not so good. If my friend had shared that space with another prisoner, it would have been impossible for him to complete his spiritual journey. This is why I say that loneliness is created by our mind, not by the lack of companions; If we know how to profit from it, solitude is a refuge full of mysteries.

 

 

BLESSED SOLITUDE

Status is online

Marina Oppenheimer

Licensed psychotherapist

140 articles

April 20, 2023

"I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude."

 ― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Last week I went to lunch with two good friends at Seasons 52 in Coral Gables; I like the place and we meet there often. Our conversation was not as pleasant as usual as one of them was recovering from a cataract operation that did not heal well.  As soon as she arrived, I noticed that her mood was not the usual and it did not take long for her to express herself in a rather aggressive way. However, the conversation was pleasant enough until one of them started talking about politics, and me being the only democrat it did not take long for the bullets to hit me. A couple of hours later, driving back home I remembered above Thoreau’s assertion that so beautifully describes the failures of human relationships. Although when we are young, we often overlook them, in old age we have the feeling that this type of encounters are a waste of time. The vast majority of human beings, young but especially not so young, project their unfinished businesses on others instead of owning them and looking for solutions. When I opened the door of my house I was greeted by a welcoming silence; in that space there was no room for empty words. The sunset brightened the landscape with a subdued but deep color which opened its arms to a precious solitude.

THIS IS HOW DREAMS WORK

  

For some time now I have been concerned about some things happening around us on Miami Beach, specifically on the beach in front of our building. To be honest, these events are not very significant; they have to do with keeping the beach safe and sound from unwelcome intruders. However, every morning when I read the newspaper and learn what is going on around the world -thousands of peoples’ lives destroyed by those avid of power- my concerns start looking very inappropriate. Very soon I realized that, although I have a wonderful life in an idyllic place, I often feel somber. As I started to reflect on the reason of my strong reaction to these insignificant neighborhood matters, I suddenly realized that I have not yet grasped the fact that there are many things in our life that we cannot control; and because of that I was wasting many hours of enjoyment. Until one night I had the following dream: I had in my possession lots of old clothes that I had decided to give away. After putting them in a bag, I went to meet those who were going use them. When I gave the bag to them, I suddenly saw the keys to my house at the bottom of the bag and I thought: “I almost lost my keys.” Yes, the keys to enjoy my amazing life as it is.

MIS TRES AMORES

Tuve en la vida tres amores intensos,

El primero breve como vuelo de pájaro herido,

el segundo difícil como camino en el desierto,

no así el tercero, con su color de oleaje transparente,

profundidad de jungla esmeralda, nunca explorada,

con una gentil bondad desprendIéndose de su mirada.

 

Y cuando me encamine hacia comarcas desconocidas

se partirá mi alma en dos pedazos, y uno quedará

junto al que fue mi amor tercero; y así será

porque el amor profundo nunca se desvanece,

simplemente se esconde y permanece, y susurra:

“Borra tu tristeza amor mío porque aquí me quedo.”

IN THE PROCESS OF HEALING A DIVORCE, A SESSION OF CLOSURE CAN DO WONDERS

  When I was still in private practice, one of my patients, a middle-aged woman whose husband had decided to leave the marriage, seemed to be unable to overcome the breakup. Session after session she reiterated the same disappointment: “Although I knew that our marriage was going nowhere, it would have been very important for me to have a session of closure with my husband. However, he adamantly refused.” Why is it so important to attend a session of closure with our ex-partner, you may ask? If we have decided not to go to couples therapy to save our marriage, and decided instead to go our way, attending a session of closure is a sign of respect and emotional maturity that our partner deserves. Even though my patient already knew what was not working in her marriage, in order for her to close that cycle of her life she needed to know her partner’s point of view of what had gone wrong; she also needed to make sure that her partner understood the reason for some of her behaviors. Mutual appreciation for their relationship positive side was also important. Most of all, my patient would have liked to ask questions, answer questions, ask for forgiveness and forgive her partner for what needed to be forgiven. Refusing to attend a divorce session of closure only reveals a lack of courage and a tendency to live a non-examined life that leads nowhere.

Music is … A higher revelation than all Wisdom & Philosophy” ― Ludwig van Beethoven

It was by pure coincidence that one day I heard "Le vent, le cri" from Georges Lautner's Le Professionnel film score (1981), and composed by Ennio Morricone.  Although I don't usually listen to this composer’s music, the moment I got in touch with "Le vent, le cri" notes it was as if suddenly the doors of an unknown universe opened up to me. That day I remember listening to this piece over and over again, feeling transported to that place where we understand that what surrounds us is not the only reality. Those notes led me to finally understand that there are mysteries we cannot elucidate, basically because they don't belong to us.  But that doesn't mean that we can't enjoy what life has given us and share it with those around us.  It was thus that, listening to those mysterious sounds, it became clear to me that our life well-being depends purely on ourselves, and that the more careful we are the more blessed we will be.

OUR LAST TASK

Over the years I have changed again and again my view about the meaning of existence. Today I know that the essence of our life can only be understood when we are approaching the end of the road. In our youth, too many concerns and responsibilities fill our heart; and if we want to reach old age with a peaceful heart and knowing that we have fulfilled our tasks in the best possible way, that is the way it should be. However, as we age things change. When I crossed the threshold of youth towards the second part of life, I began to wonder what awaited me in those long hours of silence and calm without any obligations or responsibilities. So I started by reading every article I found about the importance of having a project, an active social life and some good friends with whom to share the loneliness generated by our children leaving our home. Unfortunately, such advice had no real basis.  Social life and projects are for the young and no longer belong to us. Finally one day I found the answer to the enigma; when I arrived at my house and went into that orderly and silent space, I understood that the last part of life is not there for social life or projects. Actually, those free hours and their daily loneliness are there for us to finally understand who we are; a much more important task than meeting friends who, in general, only bring into our lives their frustration and regret. Instead, the task that awaits us has to do with discovering the reason for the life we have lived. It is only in the evening of our years that we understand that, although our life followed an already designed road, the route was full of crossroads and detours. It is precisely those crossroads that have made us who we are and brought us to where we are now. This is why at dusk, when I ponder in front of the dying day, I tell myself that for some reason the crossroads I chose are the ones I would choose again. The chosen road was definitely mine.