When I was still in private practice, one of my patients,
a middle-aged woman whose husband had decided to leave the marriage, seemed to
be unable to overcome the breakup. Session after session she reiterated the
same disappointment: “Although I knew that our marriage was going nowhere, it
would have been very important for me to have a session of closure with my
husband. However, he adamantly refused.” Why is it so important to attend a session of closure with
our ex-partner, you may ask? If we have decided not to go to couples therapy to
save our marriage, and decided instead to go our way, attending a session of
closure is a sign of respect and emotional maturity that our partner deserves.
Even though my patient already knew what was not working in her marriage, in
order for her to close that cycle of her life she needed to know her partner’s
point of view of what had gone wrong; she also needed to make sure that her
partner understood the reason for some of her behaviors. Mutual appreciation for
their relationship positive side was also important. Most of all, my patient
would have liked to ask questions, answer questions, ask for forgiveness and
forgive her partner for what needed to be forgiven. Refusing to attend a divorce
session of closure only reveals a lack of courage and a tendency to live a
non-examined life that leads nowhere.
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