MOTHERS' PATH TO INDIVIDUATION

Mother’s Day… The celebration of the most profound relationship among human beings: the one between mother and son. According to Freud, during the phallic stage of development (ages 3-6) young boys develop the Oedipus complex towards their mother; in other words, they start feeling unconscious sexual desires for her. Freud introduced this concept in his Interpretation of Dreams (1899) and coined the expression in his A Special Type of Choice of Object made by Men (1910). Taking into consideration that the mother carries her son in her womb for nine months and that both have different sex, it is not surprising that this kind of relationship will develop. When a woman becomes a mother, by and general she is more devoted to her child than to her partner. Her level of libido also decreases markedly. In a way, her partner becomes the second best and this situation usually generates a fairly amount of stress in the couple. Generally the partner will feel intense jealousy of the son because the mother pays more attention to her child than to him. In cases where the father compares his own mother to his wife in unfavorable terms, the jealousy is even deeper. As times goes by and the son becomes older, the mother faces the difficult task of individuating from him; in most cases this is easier said than done. When families are still intact, the separation journey of the mother will be difficult but not overly harsh. However, when mothers are divorced or widowed and have no partner, the letting go of a son can be one of the most difficult life tasks they will face. Nonetheless, in order for the son to start his own life journey, this separation needs to take place. Narcissistic mothers who treat their sons as extensions of themselves, and insist by whatever means that their child’s role is to replace the husband who is no longer there, are interfering with the sons' transition towards adulthood. Furthermore, they risk generating in their sons a deep feeling of resentment for not respecting their need to grow. As soon as the son becomes a responsible adult, the mother’s task is to facilitate his entering the stage of intimacy with another woman who will replace her. If this is done correctly, the son, the wife and the mother-in-law will all enjoy a relationship that is in tune with the Tao.