“A mother is her son’s first true love; a son is his mother’s last true love.” Denzel Washington being interviewed by Stephen Colbert. 12/16/21)

 

When I heard Denzel Washington, one of my favorite actors, talk about his mother in this way, I felt that he had explained in very simple words the complex nature of a mother/son relationship. The subject came up because the actor's mother had died recently at the age of 97. Then Colbert pulled out of the drawer a photo of Denzel with his wife on one side and his mother on the other side while at the 1990 Academy Awards. Not surprisingly, the picture of his mother brought tears to his eyes; the actor could not help but sob while he talked about her. I do not know if these beautiful words are the work of Denzel Washington or somebody else; what I know is that they perfectly describe what mothers feel for their adult sons. I do not mean to say that daughters are less important; what I mean is that, being a man, the son provides his mother with the male protection that all of us women long for. That is why when we go through divorce or widowhood, our sons become the refuge that no one else in the world can provide. That is the last true love Denzel Washington was talking about.

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"Una madre es el primer amor verdadero de su hijo; un hijo es el último amor verdadero de su madre".

 Denzel Washington siendo entrevistado por Stephen Colbert. 12/16/21)

 Cuando escuché a Denzel Washington, uno de mis actores favoritos, hablar de su madre de esta manera, sentí que había explicado en palabras muy simples la naturaleza compleja de la relación madre/hijo. El tema surgió porque la madre del actor había muerto recientemente a la edad de 97 años. Luego Colbert sacó del cajón una foto de Denzel con su esposa de un lado y su madre del otro mientras los tres se hallaban en la ceremonia de los Oscars de 1990. No es de sorprenderse que la imagen de su madre le hiciera llorar; el actor no pudo evitar sollozar mientras hablaba de ella. No sé si estas hermosas palabras son obra de Denzel Washington o de algún otro; lo que sé es que describen perfectamente lo que las madres sienten por sus hijos adultos. No quiero decir que las hijas sean menos importantes; lo que quiero decir es que, siendo hombre, el hijo proporciona a su madre la protección masculina que todas las mujeres anhelamos. Es por eso que cuando pasamos por el divorcio o la viudez, nuestros hijos se convierten en el refugio que nadie más en el mundo puede proporcionar. Ese es el último amor verdadero del que Denzel Washington estaba hablando.

 

 

“Governor DeSantis signed a bill to eliminate permanent alimony in Florida.” USA Today Network, Florida. 7/3/23

There is no doubt that Florida's governor Ron De Santis is trying to curry favor with mostly male voters. He will probably not have the same luck with female voters of a certain age, who preferred to invest their time in responsible parenting instead of becoming CEOs of large companies. I agree that some of those who pay permanent alimony have probably already reached an advanced age and are fed up with pouring money into a lost cause. However, if you belong to the class of human beings who understood that life only has meaning if it is lived ethically and respectfully, there are ways to solve this problem so that both ex-spouses feel good about themselves. Let us not forget that if the spouse who pays alimony refuses to help his/her ex-partner, he/she is unjustly forcing his/her children to take care of an older or retired parent. As in all critical circumstances, I believe this crisis gives us the opportunity to make important life changes. For instance, meeting with our ex-spouse, apologizing, if need be, making peace and trying to redeem what was significant in a marriage that lasted many years will help us reach a fair agreement for both. Regarding the alimony amount, it is not written in stone; there is always the possibility to make it more affordable. 

WOMEN'S DIVORCE, LONELINESS OR FREEDOM?

 The other day, watching on YouTube a show about women over 60, the presenter was talking about the meaning of divorce for that age women. There is no denying that divorce is one of life's cruelest blows. Simply put, the one who was our life partner for so many years suddenly vanishes in the darkness of the night; and when we look at the future through the window of our life, all we see is a lonely road that seems to lead nowhere. At least that is what we feel during the first months and years following our separation. I remember that during that time, all I wanted was to never go home; the city streets were my favorite place to be. Luckily, us women always have friends who, for one reason or another, are in our same plight and make us company. Then, little by little, the fog fades away and that road that seemed so lonely is suddenly filled with a mysterious flower, also called freedom. They say that whoever eats its petals realizes that there is nothing in life more valuable than being free to be who we really are, without hypocrisy or shortcuts, without fear or impatience, without doubts or regrets, without ties and free to live a life that, day by day, reveals a new mystery to our soul.

"Our fear of inferiority and the harsh judgements of others seals everything inside us. This is surely our False Self taking control because it fears all loss of control."

 (Immortal Diamond, The Search for our True Self, by Richard Rohr)

I remember the first time I had to make a presentation for one of my Masters' Degree in Counseling courses at Florida International University. Although I had already graduated from a University in Argentina, a presentation in English at a new university was enough to make me feel deeply vulnerable. Looking for support, I went to the University Counseling Services; the counselor I saw confirmed my fear that my big hurdle was presenting in a foreign language. The fear of being seeing as inferior by non-foreign students made me feel unprotected and with no tools at hand. Finally, the time came to present, and while waiting for the student who came before me to finish talking, my stress response made me turn the head towards the classroom door. Fortunately, I chose fight over flight, stayed put and did my presentation. Many years have gone by since that first presentation, and now I can say that I don’t lose sleep over what others think of me. I now understand that we all follow different life paths, and comparing myself to others is a nonsensical waste of time. As a matter of fact, our task does not have to do with others, but only with ourselves. Ours is a solitary undertaking that has to do with analyzing our thoughts and behaviors, and decide if they make us feel that we are building a superb sense of self.  

FELIZ DÍA DE LA MADRE

 Hoy es el Día de la Madre y el primer mensaje que recibí esta mañana fue del padre de mi hijo; en él me decía que mi trabajo de madre había sido excelente. Es cierto que, a pesar de haber cursado dos universidades, una en Argentina y otra en Miami, nunca logré concentrarme por completo en mi profesión. Me llamaba más la atención asegurarme de que mi hijo estuviera cumpliendo con las tareas asignadas por la vida. El ser madre fue para mí la labor más dedicada; creo que por eso solo tuve un hijo. Sin lugar a dudas, la responsabilidad de llevar a buen puerto a seres humanos vulnerables nos quita el sueño en más de una ocasión. Y fue en aquellas noches en las que, estando a la espera de que la puerta de calle se abriera, pude darme cuenta de que al nacer mi hijo mi vida había dejado de pertenecerme. Pero también pude darme cuenta de que, si ese hijo había caído en mi regazo, mi mayor tarea era la de ayudarlo a crecer.

LONELINESS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH OTHERS; IT HAS TO DO WITH OURSELVES

 

Everywhere we read that our period in history is mainly characterized by loneliness, especially in old age. Loneliness is a destructive state of mind that takes away our desire to find a solution to everyday problems. Therefore, our life becomes a static and uninteresting journey. But what generates this feeling of fierce isolation? It is generated by our mind only because we lose all desire to look for new friends. In old age the problem is even more risky since it prevents us from understanding that not having friends is not necessary if we are satisfied with the life we have led. What is important is to create where we live a welcoming environment. In my youth I met a man of a certain age who was arrested in Switzerland for being an illegal immigrant. The first thing he did when he arrived at the  prison was to ask for a bucket  of white paint to paint the walls of his prison.  And with the passage of time he even placed a plant in the window.  Let me add that this was a deeply spiritual man for whom the solitude of prison was the opportunity for a welcome retreat. In the same way, our mature years can serve us to analyze our lives, thank the Universe for the good, and try to discover the causes for the not so good. If my friend had shared that space with another prisoner, it would have been impossible for him to complete his spiritual journey. This is why I say that loneliness is created by our mind, not by the lack of companions; If we know how to profit from it, solitude is a refuge full of mysteries.

 

 

BLESSED SOLITUDE

Status is online

Marina Oppenheimer

Licensed psychotherapist

140 articles

April 20, 2023

"I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude."

 ― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Last week I went to lunch with two good friends at Seasons 52 in Coral Gables; I like the place and we meet there often. Our conversation was not as pleasant as usual as one of them was recovering from a cataract operation that did not heal well.  As soon as she arrived, I noticed that her mood was not the usual and it did not take long for her to express herself in a rather aggressive way. However, the conversation was pleasant enough until one of them started talking about politics, and me being the only democrat it did not take long for the bullets to hit me. A couple of hours later, driving back home I remembered above Thoreau’s assertion that so beautifully describes the failures of human relationships. Although when we are young, we often overlook them, in old age we have the feeling that this type of encounters are a waste of time. The vast majority of human beings, young but especially not so young, project their unfinished businesses on others instead of owning them and looking for solutions. When I opened the door of my house I was greeted by a welcoming silence; in that space there was no room for empty words. The sunset brightened the landscape with a subdued but deep color which opened its arms to a precious solitude.