MARINA OPPENHEIMER BOOKS AND BLOG

“WHAT YOU DO TO OTHERS YOU DO TO YOURSELF” (E. FROMM. 1947.)

When reading this sentence many of us will immediately associate it with the word karma. What is karma? In Hinduism and Buddhism the term karma means action and it has to do with a cycle of cause and effect. Let’s remember that Karma is not a synonym of fate. As a matter of fact, our karma can change if we change some of our behaviors. Karma is not written in stone by any means. By doing to others what we would want them to do to us we can gradually change our life; and we should. According to Asian beliefs karma is a dynamic flow of energy that acts as a consequence for every one of our actions. If karma would determine our fate, we would be giving up our power to change our negative behaviors to become better human beings. Needless to say, the consequence brought about by karma has to do with our own wellbeing and serenity. Fromm found a great way to define what happens when we hurt others: happiness will forever evade us. Our life becomes an empty shell with no gratifications, with unpredictable moods, and a deep feeling of loneliness. On the contrary, when our behaviors have to do with compassion and respect for others suddenly our life expands and becomes meaningful. When I was young, I sometimes was less than respectful to others, especially when things were not going my way. As years went by, I understood that others are not responsible for whatever happens to me and became more respectful to those I encountered. The most difficult of all challenges was to be respectful to those who had hurt me or offended me. Then I learnt that I could confront these people in acceptable ways without losing my cool. The result has been that by not denigrating others I have never denigrated myself.

ESTA NOCHE

¡Qué noche límpida ésta que me rodea,
quieta como agua de mares adormecidos,
mares cuyo rumor nunca se aquieta
Sí, ésta es una noche de deseos desconocidos.

Esta noche yo quisiera cerca de mi cuerpo
un alma que hablara de sueños invisibles,
y cuya voz me hiciera olvidar los terrores,
las ausencias, las mentiras y los sinsabores.

En esta noche a la vez oscura y transparente,
ya no puedo recordar lo sucedido,
porque inmersa en su luz de luna llena,
vuelvo a renacer como si nunca hubiera vivido.

Irene Salazar, Justo J. Sánchez and 3 others

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REFLECTIONS OF SECLUSION - AMAZON

This book is a collection of articles I published on Linkedin as well as on this blog. These are reflections about life in general, mainly generated by the solitude that afflicted all of us during the Coronavirus pandemic. Being at home most of the time and with no social life to distract me, I took advantage of my retirement hours to remember and reflect on some of the issues that I needed to grasp more deeply; forgiveness, solitude, friendship, divorce, the meaning of life, and last but not least what awaits all of us after we pass on. All these are topics that we need to explore, comprehend and integrate into our knowledge of existence. Writing these pages helped me understand myself better, and I hope that it will help my readers achieve the same goal. All the best.

Marina Oppenheimer

¿POR QUÉ?

¿POR QUÉ?

A veces, cuando me siento al borde del agua me pregunto

cuál fue el sentido de nuestra jornada; y no lo encuentro.

Y cuando a la noche miro la ventana con ojos de asombro

me digo que nuestro andar por la vida fue misterioso.

Y, sin embargo, yo sé que nada en el universo es azaroso;

las palabras que se dicen y las miradas que se dirigen

siempre es hacia un destino predestinado y no a otro.

Me duele el alma no haber descubierto su significado.

Hoy, cuando la vida casi se acaba, aún desconozco

aquel lenguaje que hubiera acercado nuestras almas,

nuestras penas y nuestros delirios, nuestros deseos.

Ahora es tarde; me despido y me encamino hacia otro destino.

WORDS ARE FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE

Last month one of my cousins from Argentina came to spend some time in Miami. The day she arrived she called me to ask me to dinner that same evening. It had been a while since we had seen each other and she was eager to talk to me. She said that she had not had time yet to rent a car, so I told her that I would pick her up at around 7pm. So, I did and since I arrived to her place a little early, I called her to come down. After approximately ten minutes I saw her walk towards my parked car, and what I saw was not what I was expecting to see. This cousin of mine is always very concerned about her appearance and is usually in a good mood, especially when she is travelling. Apparently, this time she did not seem to have the energy to look better. After exchanging warm greetings, I started driving towards the restaurant; while we were having dinner, she told me that she was in a bout of depression because, after many years of mourning, she was still not able to overcome the pain of her divorce. I asked her what event had rekindled the sorrow of something that had happened many years ago. She answered that the political situation in Argentina had a profound effect on her mood; she said that in the morning she did not have the energy to go about her daily business. My cousin did not have to make use of too many words to make me understand the roots of her depression; I know well that divorce is a death, and the fact that an amazing country like Argentina has fallen into the hands of deep corruption makes me also feel sad ten thousand miles away. The evening went by quickly and when I took her back home, I told her that I would send her a message for another get together. The morning after our dinner I wrote to a common friend and told her that I had seen my cousin for dinner, and that although she was somewhat depressed, it was a pleasure to be in the company of such a sensitive and intelligent woman. What I did not notice was that the text I used to write to my friend was a group message that had also my cousin as a participant. After a couple of days my cousin and I met again for dinner; this time she said she would pick me up. When she came, I was already waiting for her downstairs; and when I got into the car, I was amazed to see how in such a short time she had radically changed. Her hair looked superb, her clothes were elegant, her face had a friendly smile and when she looked at me, she said: “I feel so much better today. It must be the wonderful Miami weather.” It was only later that I realized that she had read my text message to my friend. Once again a positive remark had shown its magic power.

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Marina Oppenheimer

Licensed psycotherapist

Published • 6d

BEWARE OF NARCISSISTIC LANGUAGE TRAPS

Anybody who has shared her life with a narcissistic becomes an expert in walking on eggshells. Living with a narcissist is like living with the enemy because we gradually become the container of his anger and his habit of diminishing others; as a result, our self-esteem is shattered. What does it mean to be a narcissist? Besides being grandiose and having a sense of entitlement, narcissists lack empathy and introspection, and consequently always find a way to blame others when things go wrong. It is true that narcissists are not born that way; they become narcissists thanks to the flawed parenting skills of their parents. Being born to a narcissist mother or father who does not try at any time to understand her baby’s needs and only thinks about her expectations has dreadful results. Regardless of how we analyze it, the narcissistic attachment is dysfunctional and has to do with manipulating the child in order to satisfy the needs of the parent. Unfortunately, once we develop a narcissistic personality it is very difficult to change it. That is why the majority of psychologists and psychotherapists avoid treating such cases. Those of you who read “Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited” by Dr. Sam Vaknin

know what I am talking about. Nobody has ever described the narcissistic personality in such a clear and profound way. In the foreword Dr. Heilbrunn writes de following: “And if by any chance you get caught in my web, I can make your life a living hell. But remember this; I am in the web too. The difference between you and me is that you can get out.” At the beginning of this post, I said that when we live with a narcissist it is very difficult to be oneself. What I mean specifically is that the narcissist uses language to diminish his partners and transform them in codependent robots. To live in that atmosphere causes the partner to lose her self-esteem and to become a toy with no capacity to rebel. When Elena came to see me, I could guess immediately that she was living in a sort of private hell. I realized it after I saw the desperate look in her eyes and her lack of physical spontaneity. What she told me later confirmed it. She had married Alejandro 28 years ago when both were young, and they had emigrated to the United States looking for a better life. The wish to be successful and the amount of effort they had invested had helped them generate an excellent professional and financial situation. But success had not come alone; it came together with severe pathologies in the case of the husband. Alejandro had been raised by a narcissistic mother who had become a widow at a young age and who had always treated him as an extension of herself. As a result, the boy himself had started to develop a narcissistic personality which flourished as soon as he became a successful lawyer. From that moment on the marriage began to fall apart. According to Elena not a day went by without an argument between them. I asked her to describe one of those arguments so that I could better understand her situation, and this is what she told me: “When I found out that my husband had cheated on me, I was unable to leave him but I became very suspicious about his comings and goings. One day his cellular phone bill arrived by regular mail and I could not resist the desire to open it to check his calls. With deep sorrow I realized that despite having promised me that he would not contact his lover again, he was calling her every day. When he came home that evening, I confronted him with his lies, but when he asked me how I had found out I lied and told him that the bill had been sent to me by email. Right there and then he called the telephone company to complain about the fact that they had sent the bill to the wrong person. When they told him that the company never sent bills by email, my husband started accusing me of being a liar and of opening his mail. I felt scared and had to stop arguing. As a result, I ended up being the villain.” Elena had fallen into the trap and had given her husband the control of the situation. The crux of the matter was not really about her having opened a telephone bill but about him cheating and lying. Thanks to his clever manipulation of language, Alejandro was able to turn the situation around to make Elena feel guilty. The lack of self-esteem that came about after years of emotional abuse prevented her from realizing that he was the guilty one. As a result, she became a victim of his manipulation and lost the battle once again.

RELACIONES PELIGROSAS

Una de las consecuencias más negativas del sentimiento de soledad es no ser cuidadoso con los amigos que elegimos. Es tan profundo el temor a sentirnos solos en el mundo que cualquier persona que nos demuestra un dejo de simpatía es bienvenida a nuestra vida. Si bien cuando estamos en pareja no tenemos esa necesidad imperiosa de rodearnos de amigos, cuando la pareja se quiebra puede ocurrir que caigamos en la trampa de atraer a nuestro lado relaciones peligrosas. Bien conocidas son las estafas de mafiosos que utilizan fotos de las plataformas sociales para engañar a mujeres, en general de edad mediana y ávidas de cariño. De acuerdo al FBI el monto de estos fraudes alcanza millones de dólares. Pero no me refiero a estos casos desesperados, sino a situaciones más comunes y cotidianas. Mucha de la gente que nos rodea lleva vidas infelices, existencias sin rumbo definido y acosadas por facturas pendientes. No pocas veces el trabajo que hacen no los satisface y su matrimonio tampoco; otros tienen graves problemas con sus hijos y les es casi imposible disimular el rencor que sienten con el mundo entero. Esto me recuerda una pareja que conocí hace unos años, ambos contadores, pero grandes admiradores de Carl Jung. De lejos parecían una pareja como cualquier otra, pero de cerca no costaba mucho percibir que tenían serios problemas matrimoniales. Como nos unía el interés por la psicología jungiana, nuestros encuentros eran de lo más agradables. Hasta que, pasado un cierto tiempo, empezaron a triangularme en sus desencuentros de pareja y tuve que alejarme. El procedimiento era sencillo: él se quejaba de un incidente entre ambos y me preguntaba mi opinión; a pesar de ser mis respuestas sumamente vagas, ella se enojaba conmigo, y él le daba la razón. Ésto les permitía sentirse unidos por un par de horas. La pérdida de esta amistad no fue demasiado grave ya que nuestra relación tenía pocos meses de vida; pero tengo que admitir que yo no necesitaba otra pérdida más. Después de cada pérdida hay que volver a empezar. Mejor entonces ser cuidadosos y evitar caer en las redes ávidas de los que necesitan de otros para descargar su ira con la vida.

Irene Salazar, Gabriela Matacotta and 4 others

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