WHAT IS TODAY’S MEANING OF THE WORD LONELINESS?

 Describing old age as the age of loneliness has become a common saying in the times in which we live. It is true that our last life stage is a very difficult one, not only because most families end up divided, with children going to seek their fortune in other countries, but because many couples end the journey they have shared. This is also the time when many of us contract diseases that prevent us from enjoying a regular social life. Old age for my paternal grandmother, mother of nine children of whom only one, my father, emigrated from Italy to Argentina, was different. The other eight would never have thought of leaving the beach near Rimini where they had been born and lived all their lives. My life is different from hers because, like many others, I only have one child. This situation led me to realize very early on that the meaning of the word loneliness would be for me very different from my grandmother Gemma’s. Undoubtedly, nowadays life difficulties are of another kind; from a very young age we realize that human relationships are corrupted by competition and envy. That is why we need to get ready for what awaits us at the most complex stage of our lives: absence and loneliness. But how might we prepare ourselves for our children’s absence and the loneliness of our homes? The only way to avoid the emptiness that gradually seeps into our lives without us realizing it is to take refuge in the good work we have done during the years lived. Having lived life in the right way, raising our children responsibly, working conscientiously, being honest and being there for all those who needed us is our golden armor. Reaching old age with a soul full of pride for a task well done is the only thought that will fill our homes with serenity, chasing away loneliness, and helping us overcome the anxiety of facing what awaits us.

“We are all in therapy all the time insofar as we are involved with soul-making.” Re-Visioning Psychology. James Hillman.

 Some of the most gratifying experiences of my life usually take place when, while reading a book, I realize that the author’s ideas about a subject are very similar to mine. It gives me a sense of security and veracity. This is exactly what happened when I started reading James Hillman’s books. What resonates deeply within me about this author’s philosophy is that to him, psychology is the perfect bridge towards a personal transcendence. Giving birth to this transcendence is what will guide us to find our lives’ meaning; but since we are all different, each one of us will create a different transcendence. As Dr. Hillman tells us, day after day our life should be immersed in the task of soul-making, that is, in creating the path that will give shape to a rewarding life for us. It is not surprising how close this theory is to the Eastern concept of karma; according to how we decide to live, the result will be either a meaningful life or a life that needs to be relived.  However, we often go astray thinking that soul-making is only related to the great decisions of existence: to not lie, to not betray, to not steal, and, of course, to not kill. What many of us forget, or do not give importance to, is that we are deciding our way of life hour after hour every day. For instance, on the street among other human beings, whether on foot or driving, do we give way to the one who needs to cross the street amid traffic, or the one who made a mistake and needs to drive to the left in front of us, or do we take the time needed to help a friend with a problem? And if the phone rings and the caller has made a mistake with the number, do we answer him/her politely or hang up the phone without any regrets? Greeting our work colleagues courteously and responding to messages others send to us is another of the many ways to show respect to our fellow human beings, as it is giving a dollar or two to an old man begging on the street. Hillman's definition of soul-making expressly deals with those small details of everyday life that, without seeming critical decision-making moments, are what puts the bricks of our soul one on top of the other. Before ending, I would like to add something to Dr. Hillman’s thoughts: as time goes by in a life lived the way I just described, we will realize with amazement that our existence has become more simple, more serene, and less dependent on others.

 

¿EXISTE EL PASADO?

 

Algunos dicen que el pasado ya no existe

porque se ha ido hacia tierras olvidadas,

otros, en cambio, ven su pasado a cada paso,

negra oscuridad de las horas desoladas.

Yo creo que el pasado hace nido en la mirada,

en los perfumes que ahora, a veces, nos acarician,

en la melodía misteriosa de nuestras palabras,

y en el silencio que nos deja el alma apesadumbrada.

Fue en el pasado cuando la vida tuvo comienzo,

cuando el amor se hizo presente sin ser llamado,

para luego esfumarse porque otro hito nos esperaba,

y así, hito tras hito, fue naciendo nuestro pasado

THE SECRET OF A STABLE MARRIAGE

 

      As we all know, marriage was created to establish a certain social order, so that children who come into the world are protected and trained for a productive life. Seen from this point of view, there is no doubt that it is a reasonable invention; And yet, uniting two very different beings for life entails a deep emotional balance that not all of us possess. Let us remember that the two members of this system have a totally opposite view of life. While we women need a healthy dose of romance throughout our lives, men are less luxurious in that regard. The same goes for women's aesthetic attachment, and the importance we give to physical appearance in general. But, while these differences can be ironed out, there are others that are more complex and difficult to overcome.  Such as, for example, that, although today women work and contribute to the family economy, in general it is the man who makes the big decisions in the family. It is no wonder that, as the years go by, women begin to feel a quiet 

rebellion. It was the advent of feminism that began to crumble the solidity of patriarchal marriage; then the divorce rate skyrocketed. However, and despite everything, there is a way of living as a couple that helps lead to a long and stable marriage. It is about accepting the notion that both spouses are independent beings, and that their choices should be respected. Here I can include a personal example that is relevant: I hate cocktail parties because they are basically about changing guest every ten minutes and talking about superficialities throughout the night. If for some reason I must comply with this task too often, my marriage will start to fall apart. Let us remember that, despite love and desire, there is nothing more important to a human being than his or her freedom, and it is paramount that our spouse respects it.

UNDERSTANDING DIVORCE; A WORKBOOK (Amazon audiobook)

Amazon audiobook

It was not my intention in this book to minimize the pain of divorce by any means. My own divorce was a significant loss in my life, and still is. My goal was to share with my readers what this loss has taught me; specifically, that things happen for a reason and that life knows better. Today I can say that I am the person I wanted to be: more caring, proud of myself, independent, and most of all, respectful and compassionate of myself and others. I wish I had known all this when I was young because life would have been much easier. However, I know well that these teachings are not effortless gifts, but the result of intense learning and experience. I now understand that life is a process of self-examination, and that the effort it takes to become wiser is what makes our days on this earth worthwhile.

FUE ESTE UN SUEŇO LÚCIDO, O…?

 

¿Fue hace mucho… Tendría yo unos doce años cuando mi madre me dijo un día que, esa noche, debía quedarme a dormir en la casa de mi abuela Chiara porque mi abuelo partía de viaje, y ella tenía miedo de estar sola. Así fue como a eso de las seis de la tarde llegué a su casa, justo a tiempo para decirle adiós a mi abuelo. Si bien el departamento tenía dos dormitorios, mi abuela me pidió que durmiera en la cama de mi abuelo. Ahí fue donde, después de cenar, me acosté y me quedé dormida. De pronto, en la mitad de la noche escuché la puerta de entrada abrirse, y me puse contenta porque supuse que mi abuelo había vuelto a casa; pero al no escuchar a nadie prender la luz, preferí quedarme en silencio y no saludar. Casi enseguida se hicieron oír unos pasos que se deslizaban mullidos por el piso de madera; primero en la sala, luego en el comedor, y finalmente en el segundo dormitorio. Aterrada me dije que en pocos minutos llegarían a nuestro cuarto; y así fue. Los pasos entraron, caminaron hasta la ventana iluminada por la luna y, cuando se detuvieron, abrí los ojos para ver un perfil de muchacho joven que miraba hacia mi abuela. Tal era mi miedo que volví a cerrar los ojos; pero, al cabo de muy poco tiempo, el extraño ser emprendió el regreso. Al escuchar sus pasos en la sala me animé finalmente a despertar a mi abuela.

“-Nonna!”, la llamé.

  -Hai avuto un brutto sogno?” quiso saber.

En ese momento escuché los pasos moverse más rápido en la sala, y luego cerrar muy despacio la puerta de entrada.

WHY ENVY PREVENTS TRUE FRIENDSHIP

 When in my quiet moments I look back on my life I realize with joy that, despite the obstacles, I have always managed to maintain a balance. Every time I had to face a storm, instead of wasting time envying those who lived more peacefully, I invested all my strength in finding the necessary resources to survive the downpour. Although in my early youth I sometimes envied friends who had less severe parents, in adulthood I became convinced that there were few lives as splendid as mine. Even remembering my very strict father, I knew that I would not change him for any other father in the world; thanks to him I was able to live an orderly life. In Latin (invidere) means to look at; in other words, to look more at others than at what we can do to improve what needs to be improved in ourselves. Unfortunately, looking so stubbornly at what others possess usually generates an aversion that ends up unfailingly in aggression. Not only does envying others not yield any positive results, but it transmits to those close to us a negative energy that is difficult to hide. In other words, our envy shines through our gaze; Our eyes lose their sweetness and their light. A better option would be to invest our energy in analyzing our shortcomings and overcoming them, and letting the rest of the world go their own way.